i bled again today

i bled for the first time in 6 years

dipped fingertip 

i smell like 

minerals 

sweet rust 

metallic 

i smell fresh 

washed away 

rain

earthworms

i smell exactly how I remembered only this time 

i love it 

dry wine

nose drunk on me

body, hungover from dark and long winters

wrapped in the arms of spring’s first dawn now

i cried in the shower this morning 

calloused hands soothed skin 

homecoming tears ushered in a new way of being in my body 

again 

welcome back 

it is so easy to love

this body 

my body

eyelids heavy

body aching from creation and destruction  

it invites me in to sit a spell as if no time had past 

Full 

today I broke with a swell

a release I forgot but body did not

mind allowed me to sit it in my viscousness so i could write of her

nourished and cleansed 

grief permitted to flow out of my body through blood and tears

no longer vibrating on memories of a tragic end

i was left with the love of her

i bled again today 

first time in 6 years 

body in rhythm with full moon drum

just a few days early this time 

not bad for half a decade of estrangement 

butternut stain on white quilted toilet paper reminded me that pain was not synonymous with fear

sobbing in a child’s breath overwhelmed by gratitude for being close to this body again

i found home in it for the first time 

again 

today I will sit in my power 

it’s been 2-ish months since my last shot of testosterone 

it’s been 6 years since I have sat in my blood 

today i slide calloused palm back and forth across cramping belly 

a quivering smile of appreciation 

for this body 

for my body

for my body wrapped under the sunshine of masculine skin for 42 years